Who Am I?
by kandichi
Summary: An orphan on the street, abused, insulted. Hungry, tired, weak. A rich kid, riding his carriage down the street.  Set in Feudal Japan
1. Chapter 1

I'm back... with this... thing...

It's not my favourite... scratch that, it might be the most painful thing I've ever written.

But I hope you like it, anyways.

This was done for a challenge on SHINE, using the prompts Feudal Japan + Rich/Poor.

...Don't kill me.

And I'm sorry about the way the characters are portrayed... especially Kuze. Don't mob me, please. There just aren't any evil characters in Host Club.

I tried sticking to this tone, but I couldn't keep it up. I'm sorry... ort

AU. Violence.

Kandi completely failing at life. Read at own discretion.

Oh, and the head hurting thing? Yeah, I made that up.

* * *

**Hikaru**

* * *

Hot. It was really hot. My mouth was dry. My stomach rumbled. I knew what they meant because mommy had taught me. They meant that I was hungry and thirsty. And when I'm hungry or thirsty, I had to find food and water.

Someone pushed me over, and I fell down onto the gravel road. A sharp pain on my knee – that meant I had hurt myself. Mommy told me that if I hurt myself and my wound was dirty, then I had to wash away the bad dirt. Or else something scary would happen. But for once, I knew mommy was wrong. I had been hurt many times before, and nothing scary ever happened, except for some red 'blood' coming out of me, and later on it would dry and turn brown, or yellow. It hurt a lot, but I was used to it.

I ignored the pain, and got up onto my feet. I was hungry, so I had to find food. Food will take the nasty tummy pain away, and water will make my throat feel better, mommy said.

I brushed some dirt off my clothes, careful not to get any red water on the soft, blue cloth. Mommy had made it for me. She had told me it was called a kimono, and had told me to take good care of it. Which made my heart feel really sad, because it had gotten so dirty since she left. And that meant that I was being bad, because I hadn't listened to mommy.

But thinking about mommy made me really mad, as well, because mommy had abandoned me. She left almost a year ago, when the moon was full and bright, and smiling down at us. But mommy was crying. Before she left, she told me not to worry, that she will be going to a better place now. And that she couldn't take me along. She was holding my hand, talking to me really quietly, so quiet that I couldn't hear her unless I leaned my ear in really close. Then she fell asleep and wouldn't wake up, no matter how hard I called.

And she also told me something else. Something that was really important, that I had to keep secret. That, and my name. I couldn't remember ever having a name. Everyone I knew always called me 'Kid'. The ones I didn't know called me 'disgusting little shit'. A name felt really special to me. But I couldn't tell anyone, she said. Not unless it was _him_.

Looking around I saw a pile of red. 'Apples', mommy told me once. They were really tasty, and had water in them. Which meant they would take away my thirst and my hunger. I walked up to them, but they were piled inside a bucket, a really big lady selling them at a stand. Taking things without permission was bad, I knew, but mommy said it was okay if my stomach was really hurting. And it was.

"What do you want, you filthy kid?" The lady spoke. Her voice was really husky, not like mommy's at all. It scared me, and I was afraid that she was going to hit me with that mean-looking stick she carried. So I didn't speak, reaching out a hand towards the pile of red apples. But the stick got there before me, hitting me really hard on the hand. The lady spoke again, this time in a louder voice, almost like the one mommy used when she was angry at me. "Get your filthy grubby hands away from my apples!" she yelled, waving the stick again as if to hit me. I stumbled back, tripping over my own foot and landing on my butt a few paces away.

Eyebrows all scrunched up and lips parted in an ugly frown, the mean lady threw the stick hard, hitting me on the head. I felt a sharp pain on my forehead, heard the hoarse lady mutter something like, "You useless kids should just die, it's better than starving on the streets."

And then everything went black.

The nasty blare of horns woke me up, and the first thing I felt was the sharp pain on my head. My vision was blurry, hazy, blacked out along the edges. And my stomach hurt even more than before.

A man, shouting along with the horns. Mean-sounding voice, as if he were scolding a dog. Were people the same as dogs?

"Make way for the young Hitachiin lord! All those who dare stand in the way shall be KILLED, to teach you worthless peasants a lesson."

And then all the people were running, pushing, to get to the edges of the narrow road. A few stepped on me, their heavy weight and hard wooden shoes crushing my body. I felt so small, powerless, as I tried to get up. A sharp _sharp_ pain on my leg. It hurt so much. I had never felt anything like it before. I held my breath as I hauled on it, ignoring the searing pain coursing through my entire body. I would not cry. I promised mommy that I wouldn't. Because crying only made people despise me more, she said.

There was only one other time that I could remember, when people acted this way. And that was exactly 365 days ago. Only two days before mommy died. Except back then, no one had stepped on me. They stepped on mommy instead, because mommy protected me.

That day, I remembered seeing a sadness in mommy's eyes. A sadness that I couldn't put into words. I had never seen mommy that sad before. It made me want to hug her, cuddle her head in my chest like she often did for me when I was upset. But I couldn't, so I put my head in hers again, hoping to remind her that I was there for her.

And through the entire chaos, she held my face close to her body, patting softly on the back of my head and murmuring happy words into my ear. And, because of that, I never got to see why everyone was running.

Mommy said that the next time people started rushing, if she wasn't around to protect me, I had to look at the carriage. She said that the person in there would see me, and he would know me. She said that I couldn't let anyone else see my face. Only the boy in the carriage.

Right before mommy left, this boy in the carriage was the only thing she would talk about – and time and time again she told me to make sure the boy noticed me. Then she told me my name: Hitachiin, Hikaru... light. Mommy said that if the boy asked for my name, I had to answer Hikaru. And she apologized again and again, saying that she hoped I wouldn't hate her if I remembered.

Then she left.

The mean-sounding man seemed to have spotted me, and was walking my way in large, angry strides. As he got closer, I realised that he might see my face. If mommy said that it was a bad thing, then it definitely was. Mommy never lied.

So I quickly scraped some mud off the ground, covering all of my face with it. I rubbed it in my hair, as well, in case the man was tempted to yank it. During the last year, I learned that mean adults like him never yanked on dirty hair.

'Just make sure you meet the other boy's eyes.' mommy had told me, 'If you do, he'll take you home with him. I promise.'

A sharp pain in my ribs as the mean man kicked me, almost as strong as the one that echoed in my limp leg. I cried out in pain, couldn't stop the tears from springing to my eyes. No, I couldn't cry...


	2. Chapter 2

**Kaoru**

* * *

This village was the poorest in the whole region, my tutor taught me, in the long, boring hours of pointless education. The people here are the lowest scum in all Japan. At least, that's what teacher said. I didn't think that. These were just people trying their hardest to survive in this cruel hell we call earth.

All the houses were rundown, the straw on the roofs starting to fall, exposing bits of rotted wood and mold. The curtains on the doors – the few houses that had curtains, that is – were all torn and dirty. The windows were all broken and hanging by one or two hinges, the ones that were still in place had all paper stripped off – no doubt burned for warmth.

And the people in this village reflected their home. Torn clothes, dirty, mud-caked skin and hair. I couldn't help but feel a pang of sympathy for them. Struggling to survive without a single cent.

But I knew that Ku-chan wouldn't stop to help them. 'It's a waste of money on useless trash', he'd say. I was just glad that there were no children here. Children would most definitely suffer the most, if not die in this environment.

But just as I thought this, I had to take it back.

There _was _a boy, all dirty and skinny, right foot twisted around at an awkward angle. He looked to be the same age as me. What was he doing, lying in the middle of the street all by himself? Didn't he know that Ku-chan had a temper? He would probably be killed, if Ku-chan was in a _good_ mood.

I watched through the silky curtains surrounding my carriage as Ku-chan strode up to him, giving him a harsh kick in the ribs. The boy screamed out in pain as he rolled several paces farther, hands clutching at his lame leg, pained expression on his dirt-smeared face. Should I stop him? But Ku-chan was very close to Father and Mother. If I commanded Ku-chan to do anything, it would definitely come back to bite me later.

My caretaker walked up to the boy again, mercilessly kicking him even further down the road. My carriage followed.

I cringed as the boy screamed again, hearing Ku-chan's impatient rant about "blocking the Noble Hitachiin's way" as he again and again kicked the boy down the road to make way for my carriage. 'Noble Hitachiin Heir', they say. I couldn't stand it. If being the successor to my father's kingdom meant torturing helpless people like this, then I didn't want the title.

But last time I voiced that, Father sent an order for me to be locked in my room for two days, with no food. Sometimes, I found it hard to believe he was my father, he was so uncaring. But maybe that was due to having too many children. After all, I was the thirteenth. What was I worth?

And mother just did anything Father did, as long as she was on the good side of him. She wasn't even _my _mother – just the head wife of my father, who we all had to address as 'Mother". My real mother left me. She wasn't a noble, but was the only one I ever actually liked in this twisted family. She was extremely kind to me. But she still left. Sometimes I wondered why she didn't take me with her. Why Hikaru, and not me?

My thoughts were interrupted abruptly by an incoherent cry of pain. I felt my eyes widen in shock when I saw what had caused the boy to scream so much louder than before. Ku-chan was stomping his foot down on the boy's injured leg! Couldn't he see that it was broken? Yet instead of calling my doctor – who was _right beside my carriage,_ Ku-chan was _making it worse_. I reached a hand out and hastily pushed open the silk curtain, unable to sit and watch any longer. It didn't matter if I got into trouble, this boy was more important.

"Ku-chan! Please stop! That boy is hurt!" I cried desperately. But he ignored me, lifting his foot and bringing it down even harder this time, eliciting a harsh, pained cry from the boy. He was going to pass out soon, I knew.

"Shut up." Ku-chan barked gruffly at me, glancing back at me out of the corner of his eye, in warning. "This... _thing_..." he spat the word, "is better off dead."

A sudden rush of fury took over my mind. That boy was the same age as me! What did Ku-chan mean, he was better off dead? Did that mean he would think the same of me, if I were born into a different circumstance? How heartless. It made me so angry.

"Ku-chan." I said, voice now firm and without the previous insecuretremor, "I demand you stop abusing that boy, _now_, and bring him to Ta-chan." I said, gesturing to my doctor, who seemed extremely relieved.

Ku-chan just stood there, foot still on the boy's broken leg, glaring at me dangerously. But it didn't phase me, not like so many times before. There was something about this boy that really made me want to save him.

"Ku-chan, _now_. That was an order from your future master."

At this, the Ku-chan's eyes narrowed to slits, but he obeyed, scooping up the injured boy and tossing him curtly at my doctor. He landed roughly on the ground in front of the elderly man, body splayed out in a disturbing position, eyes narrowed to slits, barely awake-

His eyes. He was looking right at me, staring at me, almost with a pleading expression. And his eyes- just like mine. Bright orange, like a wild flame, burning with the will to live. Never had I seen anyone in Japan with eyes like mine – except this boy.

And taking his age into consideration, this boy – could he be the one Mother took?

We stared at each other for a while, me in fascination and shock – how did he get this way? – and him in desperate, silent pleading. Then the narrowed pair of amber eyes slid shut as the boy lost consciousness, and my vision was blocked by the body of Shi-chan as he started to align the broken leg.

"We must hurry, _master_, as your Father, the _real_ master, is waiting for you." My caretaker spat, disgust and contempt clear in his voice. "You wouldn't want to keep him waiting, would you? You only meet once a year, after all."

My face distorted into a frown of frustration and I tossed the curtain aside, letting it fall shut to block everyone's view of me. Things were moving too fast for me to think – the boy, I needed to find out more about him. Was he really Hikaru? Why wasn't his hair the same flamboyant color as mine? Maybe it was just dirty? I needed to see for myself. And if he was Hikaru, what would I do? I didn't know. And to top it all off, Ku-chan is clearly my enemy now.

I made a hasty decision and told my doctor to stay behind to treat the boy, leaving him a few guards who could carry him back to my castle, and put him in a cell. He would have to put up with the prison room for now. It would be even more suspicious than it already is if I just let him have a room for himself. I wasn't ready to face Father's wrath yet.

"Let's go then, Ku-chan." I said, trying to make my voice sound sweet.

"Yes, _sir_." He spat sourly in reply, throwing a sloppy mock bow my way. Just great, he was obviously not going to cooperate.

I sighed again as my carriage started moving, throwing a look of longing back at the red-eyed boy. If only I could have a chance to talk to him earlier. Now.

He had better not die on me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hikaru**

* * *

I woke up in a wet, dark place. I could hardly see. The only light came through a tiny hole near the roof in the wall behind me, and it was dim. Which meant that night was falling. Mommy was always in a hurry to get home when night fell.

But I didn't have to worry today. I seemed to be in some kind of shack, by the looks of the ceiling. Almost like the barn mommy and I used to live in. It was home for me, for a whole year. Until five days after mommy went to sleep. Then she started to stink really bad, and the owner of the barn found me and kicked me out.

This place, wherever it was, was really stinky. I didn't like it. I was in a stall of some kind, walls made of rotting wood, mold all over the round logs. It was really small, only around the size of a bathroom stall. The hay I was sitting on was wet and mushy. And the door seemed to be locked.

Which made me hate it even more, since the walls were too high to climb, so I couldn't get out. Not that I could have climbed the wall anyways, since my right leg was firmly bandaged with two strips of wood on each side, not letting me move it.

At least it didn't hurt anymore– did it hurt before?

I leaned my head back against the wooden wall trying to remember, and immediately regretted it. Touching the wall shocked the giant bump on my forehead, and it made my head hurt so much I had to close my eyes and bury it in my hands for a few minutes before the pain went away.

What was I doing here? The last thing I remembered was trying to get an apple and being hit by a mean lady. Then there was–

The 'young Hitachiin lord', the carriage boy that mommy had told me about. I saw him, I remembered. _That's_ how I hurt my leg. I had tried to meet his eyes, like mommy told me. I didn't know if he saw me, though, my vision had started to blur and I couldn't see anything. I just hoped that the other boy would come soon, so I could talk to him like mommy told me to. And I hoped that he would bring food. I was really hungry.

And maybe he could tell me who I was. I didn't have any memories before two years ago, when I woke up in that barn with mommy. I knew she was my mommy, because I recognized her, but I couldn't remember anyone or anything else that happened.

Mommy said it was because a really mean guard threw me against a wall, and I was bleeding really badly on my head. She said I fell asleep for five days and wouldn't wake up, and that she spent all the money we had to find a really smart person to save me. She said that was why we were poor, that we used to be very rich before we left our real home.

I usually couldn't remember the home mommy had always talked about with such a happy look on her face. I could only see it sometimes, in my really good dreams. I saw a very large, nice garden, a stone path with a fake pond. Some koi darting around in the clear greenish water. A sakura tree, the blossoms drifting slowly toward the ground. A stone table, shogi board on top, some elderly men gathered around, contently absorbed in an intense game between two. Lots of beautiful onee-chans serving us food and clearing away our plates. People bowing down to me. Playing ball with my brother as mommy watched and smiled at us-

Wait a minute, did I have a brother? My head hurt when I tried to remember, and I decided not to force it. I had probably gotten it mixed up with an actual dream.


	4. Chapter 4

**Kaoru**

* * *

Father scolded me for my ignorance. 'Mother' stared with a disgusted expression. Ku-chan told on me, faking that tragic, wounded expression to win the sympathy of my 'parents'. And I was sent to Father's study, forced to kneel waiting by the door until he finished talking to Ku-chan about my recent behaviour.

And I knew that Ku-chan would say nothing good about me. He never reported anything good to Father, no matter how hard I tried to behave. Ku-chan hated me, I knew, most likely because I was the youngest, lowest-ranking son. And he was assigned to me, of all the other twelve intelligent, potential heirs. It was obvious that _I_ would not inherit my Father's land and power, since I was too young – ten years younger than the twelfth son.

But all the others are snobs, sick people who would do anything for power. And that was Ku-chan included.

The door burst open violently, and Father strode in. He had that deep frown on his face, the one always etched on brow. He glared at me sternly, paced around the room, sighed, and finally sat down at his desk.

"Kaoru. Just because you're the youngest doesn't mean you can slack off like this."

"I didn't, Father." I murmured, head lowered.

Father ignored me, continuing his speech. "I understand that you're only ten, and that the loss of Hikaru really hurt you. Trust me, it really hurt me, too. We all feel the same way, but I've gotten over it. And you must get over it as well. I would be happy to give you a region to command – your own land – anything – but you must start studying." He said the last three words through gritted teeth, banging his fist on the table with each.

"I do, Father..." I said, still not moving my head. I dreaded the look he would give me if I met his eyes. Probably one of disapproval. Father was extremely disappointed in me, but I couldn't understand why. I did all the work teacher gave me, and worked really hard to study. So why would he...

"Kuze told me that you've had an extreme temper, especially this past year. That you're always flipping the table, storming out the door when you get a question wrong."

I froze. I never did any of that! How could Ku-chan say-

"And that you've even _hit_ your teacher in the head with a scroll."

My eyes widened and my head snapped up to look at my father with a bewildered stare. "I didn't-"

"You are a _disgrace_ to the Hitachiin name." Father bellowed, making me cringe. His face was beet red, and he was, indeed, glaring at me with a look of disapproval – and anger.

"I didn't do any of that! I've been trying my best to learn about everything!" I defended myself. I never expected Ku-chan to go so far with his lies.

"I highly doubt that."

"But I-"

"Then tell me about the people in my land."

I bit my lip. Father was testing me. And though I immediately recalled what I was taught, I wasn't sure if it was the right answer.

"Well?" Father was nearing the end of his patience. I had to try.

"They're disgusting, filthy creatures who deserve to vanish, Father." I murmured quietly quoting what I was told by my tutor.

But at this, Father exploded in rage. "You good for nothing brat! Kuze was right, you have no discipline whatsoever!" He yelled, banging the table with his fist and shooting up to a stand.

I cringed again. "T-That's what Teacher taught me..."

"So you're saying that your teacher is a traitor who would dare teach my own son such insolent things? That Kuze would just _let it slide_?"

I didn't answer. I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't trust Father to change Ku-chan with another caretaker. And if he didn't, Ku-chan would just cause trouble for me again.

"ANSWER ME!" Father yelled, completely losing his calm.

"I- I-" I didn't know what to do, and fell silent for a moment, thinking. Then I decided to just take the blame. "No, Father, I'm sorry. I promise to study hard from now on."

I heard him take a deep breath, then another, calming himself for several moments before he spoke again with barely suppressed rage. "Go. Get out of my sight." He said, pointing to the door, "I hereby banish you from returning to the main estate, not until Kuze reports that you've learned some respect."

I closed my eyes in compliance and bowed, before standing up and backing out of the doorway. It wasn't fair, I wanted to argue, Ku-chan really _did_ lie. But I didn't, just left without a word.

By the time I got back to my own estate, it was already well into the night. The waning moon shone dimly from behind wisps of cloud, and the crickets chirped louder than I'd ever heard before, as if they were excited for something.

As I got off the carriage, I was immediately greeted by at least five servants. All bowing and chanting something like, "Welcome home." I didn't care. I just wanted to hurry up and get to the prison.

Haru-chan, our head main, greeted me at the door to my room, and followed me in. She was the only one who seemed even a bit humanly in this place, the only one who didn't treat me like some overly-pampered kitten.

"How was your day, Kaoru-bocchama?" she smiled warmly, walking away briefly to bring me a tray of food from another maid. "I hope Master wasn't too hard on you."

I took the tray from her before she could set it down on the table. "It was... okay..." I said, glancing at Ku-chan, by the door. "Thanks, Haru-chan." I gestured to the plate, starting to walk out the door with it.

But Ku-chan stuck out an arm, blocking my way. "Where are you going, Bocchama?"

I jerked to a stop, unwillingly jumping at his words. "N-Nowhere- I mean- I was just going to eat my dinner and-"

"Dinner?" Ku-chan asked, casting a repulsive glance at the food, then at Haru-chan standing behind me, then back at the food. Then he suddenly yelled, so harshly that it even made Haru-chan jump along with me. And she usually wasn't afraid of Ku-chan. "HARUHI! What time do you think it is? It's too late to be serving the young master food!"

Haru-chan glanced up at Ku-chan for a moment before looking down again. "I thought Bocchama would be hungry after all that travel."

"_We_ take very good care of him. We wouldn't let him become hungry." Ku-chan spat, then looked back at me. "Give me that. And go to bed."

I jerked the food away from him when he reached out to take it. "No- I- I'm hungry." I stammered, stepping back a few paces.

This seemed to fuel Ku-chan's temper. "I just fed you on the way back! How much does one ten-year-old have to eat?" He yelled, positively glaring at me with the intent to kill. "And to _think_ you got _banished_ from going to the main estate – I should starve you for a few days. Then you'll know the _shame_ I feel." He sputtered, pointing a finger at me, shaking with rage. His face was so red, and he seemed to be losing control.

I shrunk back, cringing and preparing for the beating that was sure to come. Ku-chan often lost his temper around me, and when he did, he just started hitting me until he calmed down. Though, as the servant he technically was, he didn't have the right to touch me. But I never had to guts to tell Father.

Then a thought struck me, one I've never had before. I could just have all the other servants gain up on him – at least ten against one. No matter how strong Ku-chan was, he wouldn't be able to beat that many people.

It would be risky. Ku-chan would get mad, and tell Father. But I really needed to see this boy. I really needed to see _Hikaru_.

And besides, if Ku-chan was just going to make up things about me anyway, then I might as well stand up for myself.

I glanced at Haru-chan, a questioning glint in my eyes, silently asking her permission. I thought of her as my guardian more than Ku-chan could ever be.

She nodding slightly at me with an encouraging smile. There was a happy glint in her eyes, as if she had been expecting this.

Ku-chan made me jump again my shouting my name. "Kaoru! What are you plotting there with Haruhi? She's a bad influence, you hear me? I forbid you from talking to her!"

I turned a steely glare at him. "Be quiet, Ku-chan. Stop minding my business. I can do what I want, I'm the master of this house, not _you_, do you u-understand?" my voice quivered at the last moment, my will shattering from the murderous glare he threw me.

He advanced on me, face deep red and fist raised, ready to hit me. I flinched, squinting my eyes shut and turning my face away to avoid the blow. And waited. But the pain never came.

After a while, I cracked an eye open and looked up, to see why Ku-chan hadn't hit me yet. And was greeted by the sight of Haru-chan, doubled over, panting, and Ku-chan with a shocked expression on his face which was slowly distorting into more rage.

Haru-chan had taken the hit for me? Why?

She turned slightly to look at me, a small smile still on her lips. And though she was still trying to catch her breath, there was a confident spark in her eyes. She was trying to encourage me, and it worked. I found myself slowly gaining more and more confidence. If Haru-chan, a maid, had the guts to stand up to Ku-chan, then why should _I_?

Buy now, Ku-chan's anger seemed to have taken hold of his momentary calm, and he started shouting again. "HARUHI! YOU-" he shouted, breaking off into angeredsilence. He opened his mouth, drawing in a deep breath and prepared to shout again when I cut in.

"Kuze." I said, catching his attention immediately with my demanding tone. And the fact that I had used his actual name, probably. The breath he was taking seemed to die in his throat, and he look genuinely shocked for a moment. "Get out of my way before I become angry with you. And _leave Haruhi alone_."

The shocked expression remained on Ku-chan's face with my command, and his mouth dropped open even more than it already was. "W-What did you just say to me?" he asked, still stubbornly cross.

"I said get out of my way. Or I will become angry with you." I stared at him, not willing to look away first. Not this time.

"You little brat-"

"GUARDS!" I shouted, making the servants in the room jerk to life. I pointed a shaky finger at Ku-chan. "G-Get him. And take him to his room. Lock him in. Guard all the windows and doors." I said, swallowing and still refusing to look away from Ku-chan.

The man swung around to glare at the approaching guards, who immediately stopped in their tracks. "Who _dares _lay a hand on Kaoru-bocchama's caretaker?" he hissed, eyes narrowed.

This, surprisingly, boosted my confidence. I felt accomplished. For the first time, I wasn't the who looked away from Ku-chan. He was the one who looked away from me. "And _you_, the _caretaker_ of me, dare hit me? You've beaten me many times before, Kuze. And this time, I'm not taking it anymore." I looked at the guards as well, meeting each of their eyes before going to the next pair. "Anyone who disobeys this order to seize Kuze will be punished, or possibly killed." I threatened, feeling horrible for even thinking about the words. I myself found it hard to believe they were coming out of my mouth. But I didn't know how else to follow through. If I learned anything from my caretaker, it was to rule with force.

At this threat, all the men rushed forward, ignoring further protests and shouts from Ku-chan. I watched, feeling a great weight lifted off my heart as my oppressor was dragged off, still cursing and screaming.

I turned toward the girl standing next to me with a big smile. "Thank you so much, Haru-chan... I wouldn't have been able to do it if you didn't take that hit for me." I reached a hand hesitantly up to her protruding stomach. "I- Is the baby alright? I'm so sorry..."

Haru-chan only returned my cheerful smile. "I'm just glad that you finally got rid of that jerk. I was wondering when you would do that." she said, "Why is it that you decided to do that today, Bocchama? Is it because of that boy who got here this morning?"

I nodded, all the urgency to see him returning. "I need to see him, now. Do you have the keys to the prison, Haru-chan?"

She smiled and nodded, taking the food tray from me. "I've had it since before you returned. I thought there was something weird about him since he came... he's the one, isn't he?"

"I'm not sure... his eyes are the same color as mine, but that's all I could tell." I followed her as she walked out to the main yard and headed for the prison. "You made the food for him, didn't you? So I could take it to him? Even though you knew that Ku-chan – I mean, Kuze – wouldn't like it?"

She glanced back at me kindly from the corner of her eye. "I thought you might need an excuse to talk to him. I guess it wasn't necessary, huh? And it won't be anymore."

I giggled. "Thank you so much, Haru-chan." I ran up and wrapped my arms around her waist.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hikaru**

* * *

I drifted in and out of sleep during the next little while, losing track of time. When I woke up again, there was the rustling sound of footsteps. People. Could it be that rich boy, coming to talk to me?

And something else I immediately noticed was the delicious smell of food. I inhaled deeply, ignoring the yucky smell of dead rats and decaying wood. There was definitely food near, and it wasn't anything like apples. This smell brought back memories from my dreams. The food that the pretty onee-chans served me and mommy. And Kaoru, too.

Wait- Kaoru? Where did I get that name from? I tried hard, squinting my eyes shut in concentration, but I couldn't remember anyone named Kaoru. Then my head hurt again, so I stopped. My head always hurt, as soon as I tried to remember anything too blurry or foggy that I don't usually think about.

Something clicked on the other side of the door, and I was greeted by someone holding a fancy tray, filled with plates of food, and two cups of drinks. But the someone wasn't that rich boy, like I had been expecting. It was a black-haired girl, with large, trusting eyes. She was clearly older than me, and her stomach stuck out in a funny way. Not like she was fat, because her frame was skinny, but more like she had stuffed a ball inside her shirt.

"Hello." She smiled kindly at me, "I'm glad you got better." She leaned down, bending at the knees, and set the tray of food in front of me. "Eat up, you must be hungry."

I shimmied forward as fast as my bandaged leg would let me, and started grabbing random pieces of food, shoving them in my mouth almost violently. I felt like I couldn't swallow fast enough, and wished that my mouth and throat would just grow bigger so I could eat the food faster.

And as I was eating, I was thinking, as well. This girl didn't give me the bad feeling that most adults gave. She gave me a warm, cared-for feeling, unlike the cold murderous ones I was used to. Plus, she looked familiar, as if I'd seen her somewhere before.

My violent swallowing slowed down as I started getting full, and I took a moment to look up at the lady. She was still smiling down at me, a warm glow in her eyes as she patiently waited for me to finish eating. I swallowed one last bite, before pushing the tray away from me to tell her that I was done.

"Are you full, now?" She asked.

I didn't answer. I didn't get a bad feeling from her, but mommy said that it was best not to talk to other people unless it was 'absolutely necessary'.

"Are you okay? Can you talk?" She asked, a worried frown appearing on her face. I mirrored her frown. I didn't like that frown, not on such a pretty person like her.

So I nodded my head yes, going against my instinct to stay still and quiet.

"Oh. Then why won't you talk to me? Are you afraid of me?"

My head shook, telling her no before I could stop myself.

She smiled sadly. "Alright, as long as you're not hurt." she knelt down beside me, lowering herself to my eye level. I frowned again at the action. She was going to get her pretty kimono dirty, from the gross floor in this stinky place. "Can I ask you a few questions?"

I stared at her cautiously for a moment, then decided it probably wouldn't do any harm. So I nodded again.

"Okay. First, lets start with the basics. What's your name?" There was a lot of curiosity in her eyes as she asked, but I could still sense the kindness. Despite this, I still didn't think I could trust her enough. I was only supposed to tell the carriage boy. Because I knew mommy cared a lot for him, and she wanted him to know who I was before anyone else.

So I shook my head.

"You don't have a name?" She frowned.

I shook my head again, then hesitated for a minute before nodding it.

"You do? So you mean, you can't tell me your name?"

I nodded my head again, amazed that she was able to understand that. There was never another person, who could understand me so well, except mommy and Kao-

My head hurt again, and I had to press my palm against my forehead. I faintly heard the lady ask, in a worried tone, if I was okay.

I cracked open an eye, and looked at her with a smile. I nodded.

She let out a long sigh, biting her lower lip gently before continuing. "Are you sure? I could go get Takashi – the doctor. He's the one who fixed up your leg." she said in a rush, a look of great concern on her face.

I moved my hand away from my forehead, smiling up at her. She was kind enough to offer help. I decided to trust her, and spoke for the first time. "I- I'm fine. It happens all the time, when I try to remember what happened..." I said, my voice sounding hoarse dry. Her eyes widened when I spoke, and for a moment I worried that I had said something wrong. But then I realized that there was joy behind the shock. "Is- Is something wrong... l- lady?"

The pretty girl broke into a big smile. "No. In fact, something's very, very right." her voice was so happy, that I swear she might have burst out laughing right there. "Don't you remember me? I'm Haruhi! You're Hikaru-bocchama, aren't you? Your voice – it sounds just like Kaoru-bocchama's."

My eyes widened, and my mouth almost dropped open. How did this lady know my name? And Kaoru – that was the name I had thought of earlier. Somehow, remembering and hearing that name made me want to cry with joy and longing. Why? And why did she call me 'Bocchama'?

She continued on excitedly, not seeing my expression. "How did you get like this? Where did you and the mistress go after you disappeared? What happened to you? Where's the mistress?"

I continued to stare, trying to figure out what she meant. Who was this mistress?

Then she finally seemed to notice my stare, because she stopped talking and looked at me. "You don't remember?"

I shook my head cautiously. "Mommy said I hit my head and was bleeding really bad. I don't remember anything before... before I woke up with mommy."

There was shock in her eyes again, and it was gradually replaced by sadness. "Don't you remember Kaoru-bocchama?"

I shook my head. "I- Kind of... I remember the name. It makes me feel really sad and hurt inside..." I reached a hand up to clutch my chest. "But when I try to remember a face, or who he is, my head hurts really bad."

She was silent for a moment, then she looked me in the eyes. "Do you trust me, Bocchama? I know you probably don't remember me, but would you trust me for a moment?"

I hesitated, but nodded yes.

"Would it be alright if I took you to a room? We can wash you up there and treat a few of your cuts. And maybe you'll be able to see Kaoru-bocchama."

I hesitated again, but again nodded. I tried – and failed – not to flinch when she neared me, and let her pick me up to carry me out of the stinky shed. I felt bad for the sad look in her eyes. I really should remember.

Closing my eyes as she started walking, I concentrated on one of the dreams I remembered, playing ball by a beautiful river, mommy watching, a maid standing by. A very pretty maid, with black hair and large, kind eyes.

I wasn't playing ball by myself, I suddenly remembered – with a giant pain to accompany the realization – I was playing with a – a mirror?

No, another boy. It was another boy playing ball with me. We were laughing, and I remembered feeling extremely happy at that moment, with that boy. Ignoring the increasing pain, I thought harder, determined not to give up this time.

What did the boy look like, and why did I think I was with a mirror?


	6. Chapter 6

**Kaoru**

**

* * *

**

At the last moment, I had decided not to see the boy. I had told Haruhi, as I hugged her, to take care of it, and asked her to find out for me if the boy was Hikaru. If he was, I told her to take him to the guest chambers and help him clean up. And I would drop by later.

I couldn't stand the suspense. I was excited to have found him, but what if he wasn't my brother? I didn't think that I would be able to put all that hope into a single conversation, and have it all shattered afterwards. I couldn't stand my heart being broken again, by the loss of my twin.

And I couldn't just do nothing and and watch as someone I've already met and spoken to got thrown out onto the street. I wasn't ready to be that cold-hearted, but if this boy wasn't Hikaru, then he couldn't stay inside my mansion.

So I thought it best to leave everything up to Haru-chan. Have her talk to the boy, tell me if he was Hikaru. And if he wasn't... then the pain still wouldn't be as bad. Not as bad as it would be, if I talked him myself.

I paced around my room, feeling the need to do a_nything_, but having nothing to do. Just as I was opening the door to go out into the yard, someone came in, almost knocking me over.

"Ah!" I cried in surprise, stumbling back into a table. The person rushed to my side, mumbling a hurried apology. "Ah! Tama-chan?" I exclaimed, as I saw the face of my tutor, "What're you doing here?"

A thought hit me: Was my tutor here to get revenge for Ku-chan? He was always nice to me, and had been with me since before Mother took Hikaru away. But he only taught me things that made Father mad. That means Tama-chan would be angry with me for locking Kuze up, right?

I braced myself for a lecture – or worse, a beating, but my teacher did something unexpected. After letting go, he simply knelt down in front of me, head lowered, and fell silent.

"T- Tama-chan?" I asked, reaching down both my arms and taking his, trying to pull him up. He wouldn't budge. "What's wrong?"

"Kaoru-bocchama..." He trailed off, looking to the side, regret and worry etched onto his face, "will you forgive me?"

My face twisted into a frown. "For teaching me all the wrong things?" I asked, extremely curious despite myself.

He nodded. "I really didn't want to – you don't know it, but I felt horrible every time I taught you something Kuze instructed me to – and it felt even worse when you believed it – and I was going to tell you, but Kuze threatened me – but I'm so glad that you've locked him up – and I'm really sorry – and–"

I held up a hand, stopping his incoherent babbling. "So you're not on Kuze's side?" I asked cautiously.

"No! No, I swear, I'm not! He said that if I didn't follow his orders, he would replace me... And I couldn't afford to lose this position, so I did it – But I felt really horrible, and I know you must have been scolded by the Master, and you've fallen so far behind, but–"

I waved my hand loosely in his face, to get him to stop talking. "I understand..." I said, feeling sorry for him. I may have been trusting him too easily, I knew, but the look on his face seemed sincere and desperate. Then I got a sudden idea. Trying again to pull him up onto his feet, I murmured, "I forgive you. But you have to help me do something."

This time he listened, and got off his knees. "If you mean helping you catch up, I can do that. I'll do anything – I'll even–"

I stopped him again before he could swear anything foolish. "Nothing like that. I've been banned from Father's estate – I need you to come with me, so I can get in and see him. Father would probably let me in if you're there..." I trailed off, a plan forming in my head. I could take Hikaru along – how happy Father would be, if he knew I had found Hikaru.

But that was _if_ the boy was Hikaru... I swallowed hard, feeling all my worry returning.

Tama-chan nodded eagerly, and the familiar playful glint returned to his eyes. I hadn't seen that look on his face in two years. Not since Kuze was assigned as my caretaker. "Yes! I'll do that! That's easy! I'll help in any way I can, Kaoru." he trailed off, a hint of sadness masking his cheer. "If only Hikaru-bocchama was here..."

I didn't reply.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hikaru**

* * *

My hair felt weirdly light, fluffy. Like every single hair was on it's own. Nothing was matted together. It felt really good, in a way I didn't think was possible.

Haru-chan had helped me take off mommy's blue kimono, and replaced it with a much cleaner, larger one, that looked very expensive. I was worried that I might get in trouble if it became dirty, so I just sat still on the really big bed in the also-really-big room, ignored the head pain, and thought.

I remembered Haru-chan. It hurt my head a lot to remember her, but I did. She was in that dream, with mommy. I think the only reason I didn't remember her before was because I couldn't see her face. Whenever I had that river dream, all I could see was mommy, underneath an umbrella, sitting on a piece of cloth on the grass. Smiling at me as I played with a faceless boy. And a maid standing next to mommy, whose face I also couldn't see. But I knew that she was smiling along with mommy.

And now I realized that it was Haru-chan.

I also remembered that the pretty river was near daddy's home – where we used to live. I remembered the really big yard daddy had, with all the fake ponds and trees, fish, onee-chans...

But this wasn't Father's house that I was sitting in. This was a brand new place, one I've never been to before. I didn't know why, but I was sure of it.

But I still couldn't remember that boy. I felt really close to remembering, but I just couldn't.

Haru-chan came back in with a pail of water, a towel draped over the side of the bucket. She set it on the stand next to the bed, and dipped the towel gingerly into the water, squeezed it dry, and handed it to me.

"Here," she smiled, "wipe your face."

I complied, taking it and lightly brushing it over my skin. "I still can't remember..." I trailed off.

"You remember me, don't you?" she asked lightly, "That's a good start."

"Yes, but... I don't know about anything that happened. Like, why mommy left daddy. I only remember bits of happy things from when I was small."

She smiled sadly. "I think the Mistress just couldn't stand the life anymore – it's hard, always having to follow orders, always having to be aware of what you say. You have to really flatter the people who rank higher than you... or everyone will find excuses to have you killed."

"Oh..." I said, lowering my hands and looking down at the soft white fabric in my hands.

"But why she took you, I don't know. I'm sure the Mistress had her reasons, but..."

That caught my attention. "What do you mean, Haru-chan? She wouldn't have left me behind, would she?"

Haru-chan looked taken aback, and took a while to reply. "No, I meant... why she took you and not Kaoru. Why she didn't take you both."

There was that name again. "Who's Kaoru, Haru-chan? I keep remembering that name, but I can't put a face to it. And you're always talking about him."

Haru-chan stared for a while, a mix of surprise and sadness on her face. "Kaoru's your... twin."

With that word came a big pang of pain. I faintly heard Haru-chan continue talking, something like, "you really don't remember Kaoru-bocchama?", but my ears were buzzing too loudly for me to be sure. I fell to the side, putting my head on a pillow and burying my face in my hands.

A rush of pictures came rushing through my head with the sudden explosion of hurt, pictures I recognized from my dreams. They were all of me, with a mirror. Playing ball with a mirror, talking to a mirror, getting dressed together with a mirror, sleeping with a mirror. Eating with mommy and a mirror, Taking lessons from Tama-chan – our tutor, I remembered, – with a mirror.

The images flashed on, and I again faintly heard Haru-chan worriedly demanding if I was okay. I heard her say something like, "hold on, I'm going to get Takashi", and the door open and close.

Then I sensed that I was alone in the room, with the flashing images, and pain in my head.


	8. Chapter 8

**Kaoru**

* * *

I was talking with Tama-chan, learning from where I left off, when Haru-chan burst through the door. I stood up immediately, running up to her.

"How is it? Is it him? Is he hurt? How's his leg?"

She was breathing heavily. "Not so good. Yes. I think so. Healing fine." she answered, tone rushed enough to match mine.

I felt like my heart skipped a beat, and I stared in shock for a moment. This was actually my brother? A sense of unreality hit me – this was a joke, right? Haru-chan was playing a joke on me. Either that, or I was dreaming. Yes, I was probably dreaming, since Haru-chan wouldn't trick me.

Then a voice snapped me out of it. "What's happening? Who's who?" Tama-chan asked, his tone curious. His expression probably matched his voice, but I didn't take the time to turn around and look.

Still with a hint of disbelief in my voice, I questioned Haru-chan again. "What's wrong? Why isn't he good? How is he hurt? Did he tell you why Mother left?"

I heard a sharp gasp from behind me as Haru-chan answered in a rushed, panicky voice. "I don't know, he's clutching his head, and screaming in pain. You should go see him..." she trailed off, not answering the last question.

Ignoring her sudden hesitation, I ran out the door in the direction of the guest room. "Did you send Ta-chan?"

I heard her short gasps from behind me, and stopped. "Y-Yeah..." she panted, putting her hands on her knees to catch her breath. "He's in there now... he should be able to figure it out."

I nodded, feeling a bit more relaxed. Reaching out my hand, I lightly placed it on top of hers, my small ones only covering about half of hers. "Thank you, Haru-chan, for helping me get this far..." as I spoke, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Tama-chan had followed. But I didn't have time for that now. "You should stay here, rest a while. Come catch up when you're fine again. Don't rush too much." I walked into her arms again, putting my ear against her bloated tummy as I hugged her gently. "The baby's already sacrificed enough for me."

She nodded, still panting. But just as I turned to run off again, I felt my hand being grabbed by her, holding me back.

I turned again to face her. "What's wrong, Haru-chan?"

She bit her lip hesitantly before answering in a soft voice, as if that would ease the shock. "H-Hikaru... he doesn't remember..."

A long pause. I stared at her, wondering what she was getting at.

"...he doesn't remember anything..."


	9. Chapter 9

**Hikaru**

* * *

Someone was touching me, moving me on the bed so that I was lying on my back, putting his head on my chest and listening to my heartbeat, taking my hand and pressing fingers to my wrist, checking my pulse.

But I didn't care. My head hurt too much to care. It hurt too much to think of anything but the images.

_Watching the koi swim around in the giant pond. Lying on the grass, staring up at the sky without any worries for surviving. I remembered the sky that day – pale blue, with lots of puffy clouds. We were trying to find things and animals in the clouds. I remember I won that day, I had found five, and the mirror had only found four._

On top of the images, I kept hearing the word _twin_, being repeated over and over in Haru-chan's voice. _Twin, twin, twin,_ she said, _he's your twin. Your twin. Twin._

_Talking to daddy. I remembered daddy now, a tall, kind-looking man. He was teaching us how to play shogi. We were laughing, carefree. I wasn't hungry at all, which was rare. Learning manners, rules, with Haru-chan. She was teaching us the proper way to bow, to eat, to sit, to talk to superiors._

Someone burst into the room, but I barely heard it.

_Mommy and daddy together, sitting close to each other at a stone table. Mommy had her head on daddy's chest, and they were both smiling as they watched us play charades. It was my turn to guess, and he was pointing at himself with a goofy smile on his face. Kaoru was the answer... Kaoru. I remembered laughing at how easy it was._

Someone rushing up to the bed, next to me.

_Talking to mommy. Crying. She was hugging both of us tightly in her arms, murmuring muffled apologies into our ears. Going to bed immediately after promising not to chase her. Talking to Kaoru. Sad, feeling very, very sad._

Someone crying my name. His voice sounded so familiar as he called me, over and over, sounding scared, worried, distressed.

_Waking up again at midnight. Looking over at Kaoru, who was sound asleep. Feeling worried. Wanting to wake him up. Deciding against it. Not wanting to drag him in. That was foolishness. Sneaking out the door, looking one last time at Kaoru. That was the last time I saw him._

_Running out the front door of the big mansion, chasing after mommy along the street. Calling her name. Seeing her shocked stare. Remembering that she had told me to go back. She had called me a bad kid. But I refused. Foolish._

_Mommy yelling at me. Remembering that I felt scared. Mommy had rarely gotten angry at us. Running back, crying, as mommy watched. Tripping and falling into a puddle of mud. Looking back at mommy, hoping that she would feel bad. Remembering that she had already turned and had started walking away._

_Crying. Too loudly. Being found by a guard. Being picked up by the collar. Telling him that I was a Hitachiin. Being laughed at. The guard didn't believe that such a "filthy kid" could be a Hitachiin. Yelling back at him. Foolish._

_The feeling of flying as I was thrown. Hearing a loud cry escape my throat, cut off as I hit the wall hard, head first. Hearing the shrill cry of mommy as she turned and saw what happened. Everything going black. Silent._

_Foolish._

Someone shaking me, sobs in between frantic cries of my name. That voice, no matter how scared it sounded, was so great to hear. It almost made me never want to wake up, if it meant being with Kaoru for a while longer.

The realization came that I was still screaming. My throat felt sore. I was clutching both hands to my head again, and my eyes were squinted shut.

Then my head pain ebbed away, the only thing left was a tiny sting. Feeling my muscles relax as I lay back into the bed. Feeling a hot breeze on my chest, realizing that my kimono had been parted, exposing my skin.

Realizing that the warm breeze was from someone's sigh of relief. That my name wasn't being called anymore. That the shaking had stopped. I felt my eyebrows rush together in displeasure. I wanted to hear his voice for a little longer.

Feeling my senses returning. The soft sheets of the bed underneath my legs. The pillow under my head. The smell of food in the room. Rushed breathing, probably from me. Sniffles coming from above me. Someone grasping my hand.

No, I didn't want to wake up, yet. I wanted to stay with Kaoru.

I heard myself groan, and I rolled onto my side, toward the hand. I grasped it with my other hand, mumbling a small, "Kaoru." I didn't care if it wasn't Kaoru. I needed to pretend that it was.

But I didn't expect the soft gasp that followed, or the timid reply. "H-Hikaru?"

My eyelids immediately flew open, and I saw the familiar face come slowly into focus. I gasped. Was I still dreaming?

Kaoru's eyes filled with tears. "Hikaru..." he lunged forward, catching me in a tight hug. "H-Haru-chan said... t-that you d-didn't remem-ber m-me..." he managed to stutter out, in between sobs, "I was s-so sad, H-Hika-ru... I didn't know w-what I would d-do if you didn't re-member."

His touch felt so real. Nothing at all like the painful dreams I've had. I could smell him, the sweet smell of sakura blossoms. Sakura blossoms mixed with tears.

Putting my arms around him, I hugged him back, letting myself get dragged into the wonderful, blissful feeling. If this was a dream, it was the best one I've had.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru." I murmured, "I shouldn't have broken my promise. I shouldn't have gone to find mommy. It's because of me that she died. If she didn't waste all that money on curing me, I'm sure she would have survived – made a business of some sort-" I broke off when I felt Kaoru stiffen. "Kaoru?"

A strangled intake of breath, before there was a tiny, tiny voice near my ear. "Mommy's dead?"

I felt the stinging tears rush to my eyes, and swallowed hard. It was okay to cry now, right? After all, Kaoru was crying. And we always did everything together.

The first tear trickled down my face as I replied with a whisper, "I'm sorry."

And many more followed.

* * *

Oh godz. I'm never going to write anything like this ever again. D8


End file.
